Hey you, glad to see you've finally joined the human race.................You don't half take some coffee to get you going of a morning! Anyway now you're here how are you?, you look really good; is that a new top? Nice!
Me? well I'm good really, but I've been thinking alot recently about 'stuff' (as you know I spend quite a bit of time thinking about stuff) when I say stuff, I mean I've spent a bit of time recently with people I didn't know (Hi Gareth, Hi Des) or knew but didn't speak to much (Hi Trish, Hi Steve, Dusty). Usually this is an opportunity for me, a 'fresh audience' for my collection of bad jokes and patter (which I took with both hands (the opportunity that is) but there was something else which I'm now left with: ........Adventures/memories/stories/dits what ever you want to call them, they are what define your experience of incidents (as opposed to accidents, what is the difference anyway?) or just experiences in general, you know what I mean......for example there was that holiday you went on.....completely crap hotel, completely shit food, rained for a week and a half, you never got a bit.. but then there was the incident, you'd just got back to your hotel room after being blown out by a couple of american chics (not too attractive at that) and your "mate" who won't be a mate for too much longer when you get home (as you've realised he's a complete cock) has been bleeding your ears for a couple of hours, you try to get away from him by going out on the balcony 'to get some air' but he follows you, then as he's bleeding your ears some more (about something that happened when you were three, how would you know he was allergic to picallily?) a bottle of beer is dropped from the balcony above and it drops in slow motion to the floor below, smashes inches (well centimetres really) from two girls from Barnsley. You are spotted, by the security, and he throws you and your soon to be ex friend out on to the streets.....
What sort of experience is that I hear you say...? well what about that time Ken got dog shit in his mustache? he didn't find it at all amusing at the time, but after 25 years even he has to laugh now.
Val doonican said about my foot went through the floor that time in the car when I put the clutch down
What am I talking about? well you know mw.......the usual nonense but I suppose what I'm getting at is the little stories and adventures you have through life that make you laugh maybe not at the time, but afterwards when you're enjoying a beer with friends and they remind you of it and you laugh....alot. Or when you meet someone new and you get talking and something they say reminds you of a funny story. Yes my friend that'swhat makes you special, different to the next bloke (or girl for that matter).
Because you are special you know, don't be so modest it's what makes you, well you.
anyway I'm going to leave that with you cos I need to go and grab a sandwich, I'm away at the moment, sitting in some internet cafe with Billy and Anna (hi guys) and I have to get back soon to work.
Seedeelater
Jx
Tuesday 14 April 2009
Thursday 19 March 2009
Our Funny Cousins From Across the Sea
Sunday 15/3/09:
Hey, bloody hell, how are you?!! I thought you'd emigrated, oh I see.............
I'm good thanks, I'm just sitting in sunny Cyprus, been here for a couple of weeks, what?.......no it's work, really missed Ruthless and Oli while I've been away but I'm coming home today, can't wait, Oli seems to have changed so much while I've been gone, I don't think I'll be doing this again for a while or ever for that matter.
Anyway I was just thinking
What's caffiene free coke all about? I mean isn't it just a bit like alcohol free beer (i.e. a bit pointless) surely the whole point of drinking coke (I may I just add coffee) is to get a bit of slap in the face with bucket full of ice cold water, or to get a serious buzz that has you living on the very edge of your nerves for the rest of the day? sure it makes your hands shake a little but really come on! In the same catagory I would also have to place meat free sausages, I know there will be people saying it's the idea of the animal being killed, but come on; why call it a sausage? it should be called a quorn finger or something.....
And another thing.........
I went out last night just for a couple of beers (containing alcohol) and was sitting in the bar with a couple of friends (Hi Des, Hi Trishia) and some Americans, I kid you not I cannot remember ever earwigging a conversation of such amusment and utter wonder in my entire time on this often wonderous and bizarre planet........I thought we were in the prescence of three aliens, they were going on about being given coins, one guy said "I have nine coins in total, but I have never had to buy one before this deployment", "this time I have had to buy one man" Well Des looked at me, I looked at Trishia, Trishia looked at Des, Des looked back at me............(you get the idea) what utter mumbo jumbo who goes around buying coins? (apart from those people who collect coronation, and royal wedding ones).
I can't really recall much of their conversation after that as A) they seem although to use same or similar words as us brits, they seem to put them in such a fashion that they don't make much sense.........and B) because I was tired and bored.
Hey listen I've just remembered I need to go and do something........What?.......maybe you'd be better off not knowing, see you later, we'll catch up more then.
Sunday 15/3/09:
Hey, bloody hell, how are you?!! I thought you'd emigrated, oh I see.............
I'm good thanks, I'm just sitting in sunny Cyprus, been here for a couple of weeks, what?.......no it's work, really missed Ruthless and Oli while I've been away but I'm coming home today, can't wait, Oli seems to have changed so much while I've been gone, I don't think I'll be doing this again for a while or ever for that matter.
Anyway I was just thinking
What's caffiene free coke all about? I mean isn't it just a bit like alcohol free beer (i.e. a bit pointless) surely the whole point of drinking coke (I may I just add coffee) is to get a bit of slap in the face with bucket full of ice cold water, or to get a serious buzz that has you living on the very edge of your nerves for the rest of the day? sure it makes your hands shake a little but really come on! In the same catagory I would also have to place meat free sausages, I know there will be people saying it's the idea of the animal being killed, but come on; why call it a sausage? it should be called a quorn finger or something.....
And another thing.........
I went out last night just for a couple of beers (containing alcohol) and was sitting in the bar with a couple of friends (Hi Des, Hi Trishia) and some Americans, I kid you not I cannot remember ever earwigging a conversation of such amusment and utter wonder in my entire time on this often wonderous and bizarre planet........I thought we were in the prescence of three aliens, they were going on about being given coins, one guy said "I have nine coins in total, but I have never had to buy one before this deployment", "this time I have had to buy one man" Well Des looked at me, I looked at Trishia, Trishia looked at Des, Des looked back at me............(you get the idea) what utter mumbo jumbo who goes around buying coins? (apart from those people who collect coronation, and royal wedding ones).
I can't really recall much of their conversation after that as A) they seem although to use same or similar words as us brits, they seem to put them in such a fashion that they don't make much sense.........and B) because I was tired and bored.
Hey listen I've just remembered I need to go and do something........What?.......maybe you'd be better off not knowing, see you later, we'll catch up more then.
Thursday 26 February 2009
I'm just an old Dandy
Frankly sir I find myself flabbergasted and quite cross..............................
Hi, I was on my way to work this morning, on the bus, a journey that was both epic in proportion and treacherous in terms of...........well lets just say it was snowing......heavily. I must also mention my attire for it was a mixture of formal businessman and mountain climber/experienced hill walker (in mid winter). There is nothing as irritating when arriving at your nice warm destination (well slightly warmer than outside anyhow) to find that because of your lack of planning and the weather not too disimilar to artic circle conditions you are ever so slightly wet, cold and extremely miserable...........now I would add here that even if I was prepared for these conditions, I was still somewhat miserable by the time I arrived at my desk.
Oh my........I do so forget myself don't I? in my haste to relay my misfortune such as it was, I haven't even asked after your wellbeing and humour? I trust that it is such that it finds you in a better mood than last we met (well you were a bit grumpy). What is my point (you are undoubtedly asking yourself by now), well I got to thinking while on my journey, I wonder what it would be like to be travelling this journey during the middle ages,
Lunch time over better get back to work, we'll continue this later.
Much later as it turns out that was Monday, now it's Wednesday, and after reading what I'd written, I'd like to rephrase the question slightly, as I'm not entirely sure what era 'middle ages' covers, and the era I think I'm thinking of is the 1800's (I think!) I suppose I could do some research, but where's the fun in that, you just end up finding out you're not quite as clever as you thought you were.
So here's the question again: What would it be like to be from the 1800's, but here today?
Imagine if you will, walking briskly down the street wearing a stovepipe hat and tails, breeches and boots, helped along your merry way with finest walking cane, cheerily greeting each passer by with a doff of said stovepipe hat "Good morrow my fine fellow" , "How ist thou on this fine morn"? Now imagine if that was transported to a modern day scene passing the Co-op where a collection of fine young fellows are gathered, disputing the day's events, dressed in their own brand of the day's chic; black.......everything black, from the tracksuit bottoms (with hands firmly inserted down the front of) tracksuit top, trainers (with socks tucked in) and all topped off with the old alpine ski hat (like they are expecting some kind of blizzard conditions at any moment and giving them a kind of deputy dawg kind of appearance).
Now that I've pictured the scene that has developed in my mind over the last couple of days I have another question: what would the communication sound like between our newly formed characters?
Right now I'm going to leave that with you while I go and have my lunch.............today I'll be serving (to myself) jacket potatoes, chilli and cheese (Thanks Ruthless, my wife). seedewhatilater.
Hi, I was on my way to work this morning, on the bus, a journey that was both epic in proportion and treacherous in terms of...........well lets just say it was snowing......heavily. I must also mention my attire for it was a mixture of formal businessman and mountain climber/experienced hill walker (in mid winter). There is nothing as irritating when arriving at your nice warm destination (well slightly warmer than outside anyhow) to find that because of your lack of planning and the weather not too disimilar to artic circle conditions you are ever so slightly wet, cold and extremely miserable...........now I would add here that even if I was prepared for these conditions, I was still somewhat miserable by the time I arrived at my desk.
Oh my........I do so forget myself don't I? in my haste to relay my misfortune such as it was, I haven't even asked after your wellbeing and humour? I trust that it is such that it finds you in a better mood than last we met (well you were a bit grumpy). What is my point (you are undoubtedly asking yourself by now), well I got to thinking while on my journey, I wonder what it would be like to be travelling this journey during the middle ages,
Lunch time over better get back to work, we'll continue this later.
Much later as it turns out that was Monday, now it's Wednesday, and after reading what I'd written, I'd like to rephrase the question slightly, as I'm not entirely sure what era 'middle ages' covers, and the era I think I'm thinking of is the 1800's (I think!) I suppose I could do some research, but where's the fun in that, you just end up finding out you're not quite as clever as you thought you were.
So here's the question again: What would it be like to be from the 1800's, but here today?
Imagine if you will, walking briskly down the street wearing a stovepipe hat and tails, breeches and boots, helped along your merry way with finest walking cane, cheerily greeting each passer by with a doff of said stovepipe hat "Good morrow my fine fellow" , "How ist thou on this fine morn"? Now imagine if that was transported to a modern day scene passing the Co-op where a collection of fine young fellows are gathered, disputing the day's events, dressed in their own brand of the day's chic; black.......everything black, from the tracksuit bottoms (with hands firmly inserted down the front of) tracksuit top, trainers (with socks tucked in) and all topped off with the old alpine ski hat (like they are expecting some kind of blizzard conditions at any moment and giving them a kind of deputy dawg kind of appearance).
Now that I've pictured the scene that has developed in my mind over the last couple of days I have another question: what would the communication sound like between our newly formed characters?
Right now I'm going to leave that with you while I go and have my lunch.............today I'll be serving (to myself) jacket potatoes, chilli and cheese (Thanks Ruthless, my wife). seedewhatilater.
Saturday 7 February 2009
Barry's Beach Bum (OCT 08)
Hello my good friend how are you today...............that's good. Me? oh well I'm quite well, though if I'm entirely honest I'm a little bit perturbed (if that's a real word) by something I saw at the weekend.
I was away in Barmouth for the weekend, (that's in North Wales in case you were wondering whether I meant Bournemouth and had spelt it wrong) with my lovely Wife and Daughter.......Lovely place I'd well recommend unless you are a shopper as at this time of the year it's a bit.......well a bit closed down really. Anyway on the subject of shopping, while Ruthless (my wife), me and Oli (my daughter) were wandering through the town we came accross what at first looked like an old chapel, lovely old celtic architecture (I think... I dunno really, nice and old anyway) at closer inspection though it turned out to be a seaside discount store, you know the type all beach towels, buckets & spades, knicknacks, kiss me quick hats, toys and games etc. etc..
Well never ones to miss out on a bit of nostalgic kitsch we thought we'd have a bit of a peruse (a look round) and it was everything we were expecting, it was fantastic.......you name it it was there. From Elvis mirrors, to dancing flowers, snorkel mask & flippers to beach mats, ceramic ornaments of dogs, cats and of course donkeys, to cheap chinese tools for all manner of DIY (the kind that fall to pieces if you so much as put them near a nut or a washer).
Also of course there was the old favourite the blow up sun lounger, it was this particular item that immediately attracted my attention, or should I say made me do a rubber-necked double take, for, as I looked again at them, one sprang out or actually shoved its 'arse' in my face, and it was a hairy arse too.........!! yes friend there was a picture of a naked man printed on the lilo proudly peering over his shoulder with his back turned to me as if to say "oy mate look at my arse!!"
ok I'm a broadminded bloke like the next man, but come on.......but wait there was more, horrified but unable to drag my attention away I found myself staring mouth agog at a full size blow up lilo with a naked man on it, only to discover there was a hole built in to the picture, lets just say it was the opposite of where you put food in (ie where food comes out)......................well I've never been so shocked in my entire life, not since I found that the bloke in the Debenhams Grotto wasn't the real Santa! (I know I'm sorry.........but I've it on good authority that the fellow in Lewis's is the genuine article) This coupled with the slogan 'FOR HOURS OF CRAB FREE FUN' and proudly pronouncing that the name of this truly offensive article was 'BARRY'S BEACH BUM' ("I bet" I pondered)...............that sounded more like an invitation than a description of goods!! By this time my face had turned a crimson colour that hasn't been seen since the 'incident' with some bloke dressed as Santa in Debenhams!
Anyway I thought to myself it's time I left, I grabbed my kiss me quick hat, some colouring books for Oli, a mug with 'Dads do it best' on, a pottery frog for my mother and some sticks of mandatory rock............I was about to mention my disgust to the two nice middle aged ladies at the pay desk...................when to my utter horror I noticed some fairly unusual 'toys' on the shelf behind them...................let's put it this way if I had been adding one to my shopping list it would have gone something like this.........."Thanks love, yeah...the kiss me quick hat, the crayons and colouring book, Barry's Beach Bum, the cheap tacky ornament, oh and give me one of them rampant rabbit's from that shelf up there......", " what love, oh no love not the ten inch one, I'll take the pink eighteen inch one with the rotating ballbearings and furry ears".
Let me assure you it took a considerably long sit down and several nice cups of tea before my composure or colour could be described by the medical profession as back to some semblence of normality.
Listen you take care and let's not leave it so long next time before we catch up....
I was away in Barmouth for the weekend, (that's in North Wales in case you were wondering whether I meant Bournemouth and had spelt it wrong) with my lovely Wife and Daughter.......Lovely place I'd well recommend unless you are a shopper as at this time of the year it's a bit.......well a bit closed down really. Anyway on the subject of shopping, while Ruthless (my wife), me and Oli (my daughter) were wandering through the town we came accross what at first looked like an old chapel, lovely old celtic architecture (I think... I dunno really, nice and old anyway) at closer inspection though it turned out to be a seaside discount store, you know the type all beach towels, buckets & spades, knicknacks, kiss me quick hats, toys and games etc. etc..
Well never ones to miss out on a bit of nostalgic kitsch we thought we'd have a bit of a peruse (a look round) and it was everything we were expecting, it was fantastic.......you name it it was there. From Elvis mirrors, to dancing flowers, snorkel mask & flippers to beach mats, ceramic ornaments of dogs, cats and of course donkeys, to cheap chinese tools for all manner of DIY (the kind that fall to pieces if you so much as put them near a nut or a washer).
Also of course there was the old favourite the blow up sun lounger, it was this particular item that immediately attracted my attention, or should I say made me do a rubber-necked double take, for, as I looked again at them, one sprang out or actually shoved its 'arse' in my face, and it was a hairy arse too.........!! yes friend there was a picture of a naked man printed on the lilo proudly peering over his shoulder with his back turned to me as if to say "oy mate look at my arse!!"
ok I'm a broadminded bloke like the next man, but come on.......but wait there was more, horrified but unable to drag my attention away I found myself staring mouth agog at a full size blow up lilo with a naked man on it, only to discover there was a hole built in to the picture, lets just say it was the opposite of where you put food in (ie where food comes out)......................well I've never been so shocked in my entire life, not since I found that the bloke in the Debenhams Grotto wasn't the real Santa! (I know I'm sorry.........but I've it on good authority that the fellow in Lewis's is the genuine article) This coupled with the slogan 'FOR HOURS OF CRAB FREE FUN' and proudly pronouncing that the name of this truly offensive article was 'BARRY'S BEACH BUM' ("I bet" I pondered)...............that sounded more like an invitation than a description of goods!! By this time my face had turned a crimson colour that hasn't been seen since the 'incident' with some bloke dressed as Santa in Debenhams!
Anyway I thought to myself it's time I left, I grabbed my kiss me quick hat, some colouring books for Oli, a mug with 'Dads do it best' on, a pottery frog for my mother and some sticks of mandatory rock............I was about to mention my disgust to the two nice middle aged ladies at the pay desk...................when to my utter horror I noticed some fairly unusual 'toys' on the shelf behind them...................let's put it this way if I had been adding one to my shopping list it would have gone something like this.........."Thanks love, yeah...the kiss me quick hat, the crayons and colouring book, Barry's Beach Bum, the cheap tacky ornament, oh and give me one of them rampant rabbit's from that shelf up there......", " what love, oh no love not the ten inch one, I'll take the pink eighteen inch one with the rotating ballbearings and furry ears".
Let me assure you it took a considerably long sit down and several nice cups of tea before my composure or colour could be described by the medical profession as back to some semblence of normality.
Listen you take care and let's not leave it so long next time before we catch up....
Workmen GRRRRRRRRRRR!! (Nov 08)
Hello there stranger, what......? yes I've been a bit busy an stuff lately what with Oli the 'sprite' (no not the can of fizzy drink, the imp creature off the advert for fizzy drink) I have been attendng to the longest ever kitchen fitting saga in the history of saga's and considering saga is the company that caters for old peoples holidays I'll wager thats a very long time.
What is it about me and 'tradesmen' I think sometimes it's like when you see those cartoons when sylvestor the cat looks at tweety and sees roast chicken cooked & steaming on a plate......tradesmen must look at me and see a huge neon sign saying 'GULLIBLE MUG'.
You know that saying about a fool and his money, well I reckon there must be a list published and anyone in the building trade is able to buy it, then they simply look under 'Scott' or the first line of my address and find in the comments section, 'will portray a facade of knowing what he's talking about, behind this exterior though you will find an easily mislead, distracted and trusting baffoon who is completely ready for the taking'.
Okay rant over............I know I do go on a bit, on the plus side though I ended up finishing the job myself, and was immensly proud of my achievements, particularly as some my DIY projects have ended.....well not so well let's say. There's a couple of people I know who think I am some kind of Frank Spencer character (Hi Mrs S, Mrs N) I suppose there was one incident that could have been quite dangerous, but lets look on the brightside I'm alive and well to tell the tale though Dave (an electrician) said that's largely due to the fact the circuit board I have has a really good trip switch. Stupid place to put a wire any way if you ask me, they should put them in plain view instead of hiding them under floor boards (I mean to say though I maybe should take up darts, even Phil Tayler couldn't have put that nail in as acurately).
Hey it's been fun catching up. I know I keep saying this but we should definately get together soon.
LU
JX
What is it about me and 'tradesmen' I think sometimes it's like when you see those cartoons when sylvestor the cat looks at tweety and sees roast chicken cooked & steaming on a plate......tradesmen must look at me and see a huge neon sign saying 'GULLIBLE MUG'.
You know that saying about a fool and his money, well I reckon there must be a list published and anyone in the building trade is able to buy it, then they simply look under 'Scott' or the first line of my address and find in the comments section, 'will portray a facade of knowing what he's talking about, behind this exterior though you will find an easily mislead, distracted and trusting baffoon who is completely ready for the taking'.
Okay rant over............I know I do go on a bit, on the plus side though I ended up finishing the job myself, and was immensly proud of my achievements, particularly as some my DIY projects have ended.....well not so well let's say. There's a couple of people I know who think I am some kind of Frank Spencer character (Hi Mrs S, Mrs N) I suppose there was one incident that could have been quite dangerous, but lets look on the brightside I'm alive and well to tell the tale though Dave (an electrician) said that's largely due to the fact the circuit board I have has a really good trip switch. Stupid place to put a wire any way if you ask me, they should put them in plain view instead of hiding them under floor boards (I mean to say though I maybe should take up darts, even Phil Tayler couldn't have put that nail in as acurately).
Hey it's been fun catching up. I know I keep saying this but we should definately get together soon.
LU
JX
Thursday 5 February 2009
Feel Free Campaign
www.feelfreecampaign.info
I'll post the blog archive on here when I get a chance and then any new stuff too.
I'll post the blog archive on here when I get a chance and then any new stuff too.
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