I'm just an old Dandy

Frankly sir I find myself flabbergasted and quite cross..............................
Hi, I was on my way to work this morning, on the bus, a journey that was both epic in proportion and treacherous in terms of...........well lets just say it was snowing......heavily. I must also mention my attire for it was a mixture of formal businessman and mountain climber/experienced hill walker (in mid winter). There is nothing as irritating when arriving at your nice warm destination (well slightly warmer than outside anyhow) to find that because of your lack of planning and the weather not too disimilar to artic circle conditions you are ever so slightly wet, cold and extremely miserable...........now I would add here that even if I was prepared for these conditions, I was still somewhat miserable by the time I arrived at my desk.
Oh my........I do so forget myself don't I? in my haste to relay my misfortune such as it was, I haven't even asked after your wellbeing and humour? I trust that it is such that it finds you in a better mood than last we met (well you were a bit grumpy). What is my point (you are undoubtedly asking yourself by now), well I got to thinking while on my journey, I wonder what it would be like to be travelling this journey during the middle ages,
Lunch time over better get back to work, we'll continue this later.
Much later as it turns out that was Monday, now it's Wednesday, and after reading what I'd written, I'd like to rephrase the question slightly, as I'm not entirely sure what era 'middle ages' covers, and the era I think I'm thinking of is the 1800's (I think!) I suppose I could do some research, but where's the fun in that, you just end up finding out you're not quite as clever as you thought you were.
So here's the question again: What would it be like to be from the 1800's, but here today?
Imagine if you will, walking briskly down the street wearing a stovepipe hat and tails, breeches and boots, helped along your merry way with finest walking cane, cheerily greeting each passer by with a doff of said stovepipe hat "Good morrow my fine fellow" , "How ist thou on this fine morn"? Now imagine if that was transported to a modern day scene passing the Co-op where a collection of fine young fellows are gathered, disputing the day's events, dressed in their own brand of the day's chic; black.......everything black, from the tracksuit bottoms (with hands firmly inserted down the front of) tracksuit top, trainers (with socks tucked in) and all topped off with the old alpine ski hat (like they are expecting some kind of blizzard conditions at any moment and giving them a kind of deputy dawg kind of appearance).
Now that I've pictured the scene that has developed in my mind over the last couple of days I have another question: what would the communication sound like between our newly formed characters?
Right now I'm going to leave that with you while I go and have my lunch.............today I'll be serving (to myself) jacket potatoes, chilli and cheese (Thanks Ruthless, my wife). seedewhatilater.

Barry's Beach Bum (OCT 08)

Hello my good friend how are you today...............that's good. Me? oh well I'm quite well, though if I'm entirely honest I'm a little bit perturbed (if that's a real word) by something I saw at the weekend.

I was away in Barmouth for the weekend, (that's in North Wales in case you were wondering whether I meant Bournemouth and had spelt it wrong) with my lovely Wife and Daughter.......Lovely place I'd well recommend unless you are a shopper as at this time of the year it's a bit.......well a bit closed down really. Anyway on the subject of shopping, while Ruthless (my wife), me and Oli (my daughter) were wandering through the town we came accross what at first looked like an old chapel, lovely old celtic architecture (I think... I dunno really, nice and old anyway) at closer inspection though it turned out to be a seaside discount store, you know the type all beach towels, buckets & spades, knicknacks, kiss me quick hats, toys and games etc. etc..
Well never ones to miss out on a bit of nostalgic kitsch we thought we'd have a bit of a peruse (a look round) and it was everything we were expecting, it was fantastic.......you name it it was there. From Elvis mirrors, to dancing flowers, snorkel mask & flippers to beach mats, ceramic ornaments of dogs, cats and of course donkeys, to cheap chinese tools for all manner of DIY (the kind that fall to pieces if you so much as put them near a nut or a washer).

Also of course there was the old favourite the blow up sun lounger, it was this particular item that immediately attracted my attention, or should I say made me do a rubber-necked double take, for, as I looked again at them, one sprang out or actually shoved its 'arse' in my face, and it was a hairy arse too.........!! yes friend there was a picture of a naked man printed on the lilo proudly peering over his shoulder with his back turned to me as if to say "oy mate look at my arse!!"

ok I'm a broadminded bloke like the next man, but come on.......but wait there was more, horrified but unable to drag my attention away I found myself staring mouth agog at a full size blow up lilo with a naked man on it, only to discover there was a hole built in to the picture, lets just say it was the opposite of where you put food in (ie where food comes out)......................well I've never been so shocked in my entire life, not since I found that the bloke in the Debenhams Grotto wasn't the real Santa! (I know I'm sorry.........but I've it on good authority that the fellow in Lewis's is the genuine article) This coupled with the slogan 'FOR HOURS OF CRAB FREE FUN' and proudly pronouncing that the name of this truly offensive article was 'BARRY'S BEACH BUM' ("I bet" I pondered)...............that sounded more like an invitation than a description of goods!! By this time my face had turned a crimson colour that hasn't been seen since the 'incident' with some bloke dressed as Santa in Debenhams!

Anyway I thought to myself it's time I left, I grabbed my kiss me quick hat, some colouring books for Oli, a mug with 'Dads do it best' on, a pottery frog for my mother and some sticks of mandatory rock............I was about to mention my disgust to the two nice middle aged ladies at the pay desk...................when to my utter horror I noticed some fairly unusual 'toys' on the shelf behind them...................let's put it this way if I had been adding one to my shopping list it would have gone something like this.........."Thanks love, yeah...the kiss me quick hat, the crayons and colouring book, Barry's Beach Bum, the cheap tacky ornament, oh and give me one of them rampant rabbit's from that shelf up there......", " what love, oh no love not the ten inch one, I'll take the pink eighteen inch one with the rotating ballbearings and furry ears".

Let me assure you it took a considerably long sit down and several nice cups of tea before my composure or colour could be described by the medical profession as back to some semblence of normality.

Listen you take care and let's not leave it so long next time before we catch up....

Workmen GRRRRRRRRRRR!! (Nov 08)

Hello there stranger, what......? yes I've been a bit busy an stuff lately what with Oli the 'sprite' (no not the can of fizzy drink, the imp creature off the advert for fizzy drink) I have been attendng to the longest ever kitchen fitting saga in the history of saga's and considering saga is the company that caters for old peoples holidays I'll wager thats a very long time.

What is it about me and 'tradesmen' I think sometimes it's like when you see those cartoons when sylvestor the cat looks at tweety and sees roast chicken cooked & steaming on a plate......tradesmen must look at me and see a huge neon sign saying 'GULLIBLE MUG'.

You know that saying about a fool and his money, well I reckon there must be a list published and anyone in the building trade is able to buy it, then they simply look under 'Scott' or the first line of my address and find in the comments section, 'will portray a facade of knowing what he's talking about, behind this exterior though you will find an easily mislead, distracted and trusting baffoon who is completely ready for the taking'.

Okay rant over............I know I do go on a bit, on the plus side though I ended up finishing the job myself, and was immensly proud of my achievements, particularly as some my DIY projects have ended.....well not so well let's say. There's a couple of people I know who think I am some kind of Frank Spencer character (Hi Mrs S, Mrs N) I suppose there was one incident that could have been quite dangerous, but lets look on the brightside I'm alive and well to tell the tale though Dave (an electrician) said that's largely due to the fact the circuit board I have has a really good trip switch. Stupid place to put a wire any way if you ask me, they should put them in plain view instead of hiding them under floor boards (I mean to say though I maybe should take up darts, even Phil Tayler couldn't have put that nail in as acurately).

Hey it's been fun catching up. I know I keep saying this but we should definately get together soon.
LU
JX

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