Barry's Beach Bum (OCT 08)

Hello my good friend how are you today...............that's good. Me? oh well I'm quite well, though if I'm entirely honest I'm a little bit perturbed (if that's a real word) by something I saw at the weekend.

I was away in Barmouth for the weekend, (that's in North Wales in case you were wondering whether I meant Bournemouth and had spelt it wrong) with my lovely Wife and Daughter.......Lovely place I'd well recommend unless you are a shopper as at this time of the year it's a bit.......well a bit closed down really. Anyway on the subject of shopping, while Ruthless (my wife), me and Oli (my daughter) were wandering through the town we came accross what at first looked like an old chapel, lovely old celtic architecture (I think... I dunno really, nice and old anyway) at closer inspection though it turned out to be a seaside discount store, you know the type all beach towels, buckets & spades, knicknacks, kiss me quick hats, toys and games etc. etc..
Well never ones to miss out on a bit of nostalgic kitsch we thought we'd have a bit of a peruse (a look round) and it was everything we were expecting, it was fantastic.......you name it it was there. From Elvis mirrors, to dancing flowers, snorkel mask & flippers to beach mats, ceramic ornaments of dogs, cats and of course donkeys, to cheap chinese tools for all manner of DIY (the kind that fall to pieces if you so much as put them near a nut or a washer).

Also of course there was the old favourite the blow up sun lounger, it was this particular item that immediately attracted my attention, or should I say made me do a rubber-necked double take, for, as I looked again at them, one sprang out or actually shoved its 'arse' in my face, and it was a hairy arse too.........!! yes friend there was a picture of a naked man printed on the lilo proudly peering over his shoulder with his back turned to me as if to say "oy mate look at my arse!!"

ok I'm a broadminded bloke like the next man, but come on.......but wait there was more, horrified but unable to drag my attention away I found myself staring mouth agog at a full size blow up lilo with a naked man on it, only to discover there was a hole built in to the picture, lets just say it was the opposite of where you put food in (ie where food comes out)......................well I've never been so shocked in my entire life, not since I found that the bloke in the Debenhams Grotto wasn't the real Santa! (I know I'm sorry.........but I've it on good authority that the fellow in Lewis's is the genuine article) This coupled with the slogan 'FOR HOURS OF CRAB FREE FUN' and proudly pronouncing that the name of this truly offensive article was 'BARRY'S BEACH BUM' ("I bet" I pondered)...............that sounded more like an invitation than a description of goods!! By this time my face had turned a crimson colour that hasn't been seen since the 'incident' with some bloke dressed as Santa in Debenhams!

Anyway I thought to myself it's time I left, I grabbed my kiss me quick hat, some colouring books for Oli, a mug with 'Dads do it best' on, a pottery frog for my mother and some sticks of mandatory rock............I was about to mention my disgust to the two nice middle aged ladies at the pay desk...................when to my utter horror I noticed some fairly unusual 'toys' on the shelf behind them...................let's put it this way if I had been adding one to my shopping list it would have gone something like this.........."Thanks love, yeah...the kiss me quick hat, the crayons and colouring book, Barry's Beach Bum, the cheap tacky ornament, oh and give me one of them rampant rabbit's from that shelf up there......", " what love, oh no love not the ten inch one, I'll take the pink eighteen inch one with the rotating ballbearings and furry ears".

Let me assure you it took a considerably long sit down and several nice cups of tea before my composure or colour could be described by the medical profession as back to some semblence of normality.

Listen you take care and let's not leave it so long next time before we catch up....